Eva Longoria is one of the most successful examples of how shameless self-promotion, gritty determination and a certain dose of relentless narcissism can turn you into an internationally acclaimed star. Longoria started out acting in soap operas and doing poorly-received, straight-to-DVD movies, had her break once "Desperate Housewives" became an overnight hit, and used that as starting point for fulfilling the Hollywood version of the American dream. Eva courted the media and allowed it access into her home, sold the exclusive rights for her wedding photos and generally did what had to be done in order to keep herself in the headlines. In Hollywood, that usually includes posing in a bikini once in a while – and with Eva’s contract with Bebe Sport, she can now cross off "sexy bikini shots" from her "to do" list.

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Yesterday, a nastily delicious rumor started making the rounds on the Internet: it involved one of the hottest, most talented actors of the moment and a brand of condoms. Need we say more? According to some sources, Johnny Depp was said to have been approached by the Magnum and asked to front their new campaign for their "Trojan" brand of condoms. This rumor opened up enticing prospects for Depp’s fans of both sexes, who immediately started fantasizing about huge billboards depicting their favorite star in rather compromising positions and maybe flashing David Beckham-style, digitally enhanced crotch. However, all their dreams were mercilessly quashed today, when Depp’s representative denied such an offer ever being taken into account by the actor.

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Britney Spears is on track to getting at least a shred of her old popularity back – however, the singer’s die-hard fans would do well not to hold their breath on it: Britney’s road to recovery is set to be slow and there’s no telling if she will ever be able to reach even one half of the success she once enjoyed. However, after the singer’s successful cameo in the NBC sitcom "How I Met Your Mother", job offers have been pouring in, proving that many people out there are willing to extend Brit Brit the olive branch and take advantage…that is, share the world’s interest in the popwreck’s every move. However, few expected one such job offer to come from animal rights group PETA.

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The French first lady sure has had her fair share of scandal and controversy – and it’s barely been two months since she married the twice-divorced French president Nicolas Sarkozy. However, the former Italian model – now turned successful singer – seems to have absolutely no intention of denying her past – which, it has emerged, also includes a fair share of glamor modeling. Consequently, when news came that a nude photo of Carla Bruni-Sarkozy will be auctioned off on April 10th in New York City, the only official comment from the French camp was that the photo concerned Mrs. Sarkozy’s private life, and was therefore not a topic open for discussion.

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Well, what do you know! All you people out there who were crying non stop, thinking how poor Brit Brit Spears is all alone in the world, crazy, friendless and jobless, you can stop now. I mean really, you can stop, dry your tears and smile, ‘cause the sun is shining again on the formerly-out of control fallen pop princess. Well, maybe not really shining, but a couple of rays are making their way down to Brit’s heart, and the frapp loving singer has a reason (or at least a pretext) to stop spending her days driving aimlessly around L.A. and hooking up with paparazzi lovers. Why? Well, because lil’ Brit Brit Spears landed a job, y’all, and is reportedly very excited about it.

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You just gotta love the French. I mean, can you think of any other country in the world where the First Lady would be allowed to pose naked for a glossy magazine spread and not be lynched for it the following day? Kidding about the "lynched" part – but still, is this for real? That in fact was a rhetorical question as well, as it seems that in France, the roles and responsibilities of the First Lady are not as restrictive as they are in the States for instance, and between posh receptions at plush, upscale hotels entertaining influential foreign politicians, the president’s wife still finds the time to strip for the April issue of GQ magazine.

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I must say, I’ve been looking forward to this day pretty much ever since I was born, and now that it’s finally here, it’s all I can do to stop myself from shouting about it to pretty much everyone I meet in the street. OK, I might be exaggerating just a tiny bit, but nevertheless, you must share some of my excitement – at least a tiny bit! So I’m just going to come out and say it: my favorite glamor model of all time and classiest British sex bomb to date Jordan is coming out with her own line of sex toys. Yay! I mean, finally, the formerly big-busted Brit is doing… that is, endorsing something that really fits in with her image and true potential.

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No, don’t worry please – and don’t hate me for posting my second Heidi Montag article in two days. It’s just that with Brit Brit currently under her daddy’s close watch (as she should be, as a matter of fact) and Paris Hilton still crying her eyes out over being banned from the Oscars, there aren’t too many clowns out there… I mean, very famous and special celebrities to entertain us. You know, bring a little sugar and spice into our otherwise boring and annoying lives. Not that I would ever, ever dare to compare royal names such as Britney and Paris to the little-known and yet already almost-universally-hated Hills villain in chief and her sidekick "evil" boyfriend. But nevertheless, as I was saying, Spencer and Heidi are sufficiently entertaining to make do with – at least until Paris decides to act in another movie.

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Now who knew Jessica Simpson was such an insensitive idiot? I mean yes, of course, we heard rumors and all, but I never believed this wonderfully empathic and selfless girl was actually a gold digger intent on nothing but taking and not giving anything back. She should have taken a few lessons in sensitivity from Lindsay Lohan, who allegedly decided to… ahem "pay tribute" to Marilyn Monroe by posing naked for a rather scandalous spread recreating the actress’ "last sitting". They forgot to add that she also filled her pockets and cashed in on her generous initiative in the process. So, as I was saying – Jessica sure needs some lessons when it comes to the whole "sensitivity" issue. Otherwise, people will just look at her and see a spoiled, two-faced gold digger. Now who would ever want such a thing to happen?

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I think Matthew McConaughey just found the ideal job – and I’m not even kidding on this one. He also just managed to make yet another flawless demonstration of the fact that there’s enough irony in this life to satisfy even the most disgruntled cynics among us. How about a man who went on record to say that he doesn’t wear underwear, cologne OR deodorant being featured in an add for cologne? Well, yes, feel free to roll on the floor laughing – that’s what I did when I first read this piece of news. It got me thinking, too – wondering if Matthew is perhaps considering a change of lifestyle now that he’s bound to become a father. Either that, or he finally got bored of people telling him that he stinks.

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