Brit Brit One Step Away from Canceling Christmas…
No day is complete without news of the Britney trainwreck. And I’m not even joking on that one – or maybe I simply developed some sort of weird addiction to this lunatic who seems to think the world is made up of herself, paparazzi and Starbucks frappuccinos. Or maybe I’m just thinking of the fact that Britney is universally acclaimed as the biggest celebrity disaster of the year.
Celebrity Bust-Up Grande Finale: Mischa Barton Arrested!
I’ve been trying very hard not to get into the "retrospective" mood these days – mainly because everyone is doing it and frankly, I’m starting to find it pretty annoying. It looks like every time you turn on the TV there’s someone out there really willing and able to tell you all about what happened this year, who had the best-looking kids, who got pregnant (and as I’m sure you know, that’s a pretty long list), who went to prison, who managed to get herself arrested… and speaking of arrests, the "mug shot hall of fame" of 2007 definitely wouldn’t have been complete without this (rather unexpected but nevertheless welcome) last-minute addition: Mischa Barton.
The Spice Girls Are Heartless Bitches - Does That, Like, Surprise Anyone?
I know it’s not very nice to call international superstars "bitches" and I fully understand that since it’s the holidays I should really do my best to keep myself in a good mood, which I assume would involve me also being less willing to make fun of the (ridiculous) way celebrities sometimes behave. But I just can’t – especially when I feel there’s something not quite right at work here, and that some "superstars" out there take us for fools and assume they can sell some pretty big lies all wrapped up in stories about how "friendship never ends" and "girl power is back". Yes, I’m talking about the Spice Girls and no, don’t get me wrong – I am not challenging their influential role in music or the fact that they changed pop culture forever – but that was ten years ago, and times have changed.
Mommy, When I Grow Up, I Wanna Have Huge Boobs and No Brains!
I never knew Jordan had a sister – but really, if I did, my immediate reaction would have been to pity the poor girl for having such an incredibly annoying older sister. But apparently it’s a good thing I didn’t have the time to feel pity for Sophia Price, because – surprise! It seems that being a total idiot is part of the family legacy – or maybe it’s part of the family genetic inheritance – because Sophia seems to be just as shamelessly narcissistic as her big sister – except without the oversize boobs. She also seems to have inherited Jordan’s gift of talking about everything in the world, no matter how silly or stupid it may be.
To put it bluntly, this has got to suck. I mean yes, I know we’ve heard rumors over the years about Paris Hilton, the world’s favorite heiress (and blonde bombshell extraordinaire) being broke, cut out of her grandfather’s will and so on – but this time it’s for real and it’s indeed a nightmare for the blonde socialite who – as we all know – has no particular talent and a whole lot of defects. Well, no more than the average person, I think, but since Paris has always proved to be pretty much the shallow and vain attention seeker, she only ended up creating an image of herself that’s… well, not very flattering to say the least. You’ll notice my efforts not to insult poor Paris or say bad things about her or call her names. Christmas time IS said to bring out the best in us after all. Or not.
I must confess I honestly thought Jessica Simpson couldn’t get any more pathetic than she already was. But I was wrong – which goes to show that it doesn’t pay off to underestimate such a lovely, talented girl. I mean, really, we should all stop being so mean (I think that part was actually on my Christmas wish list this year but I must have blown it at some point) and acknowledge that Jessica is just about the most skillful and subtle actress in Hollywood – only for some reason, a lot of mean, mean people take a lot of pleasure in mocking her. For nothing.
The Story of How It Felt to Be Banging Lindsay Lohan
You gotta love Lindsay Lohan. Really, she’s just about the most fascinating celebrity out there. No, I’m kidding, of course she’s not – but at least she’s one of the celebrities that have managed to keep me guessing over the past couple of months, which is just about the biggest compliment I could possibly pay to her. I mean, we kept seeing photos of her doing… well, pretty much the same things she used to do before she went into rehab and became a "saint" in the making: shopping, posing for the paparazzi and generally acting as if she’s the most popular creature in the universe.
Oh, Joy: Britney’s (Nipples) Just as Crazy This Side of Christmas…
I’m truly and honestly very sorry that my first post-Christmas article is about Britney Spears – but hey, no one can deny that Brit Brit was one of the biggest highlights of the year (in the crazy trainwreck department, I mean) and we’ve all had out moments of "wow, that girl is crazy" or "she definitely needs help" when it came to her. No, don’t get me wrong. I’m not in a giving, generous post-Christmas mood here (actually quite the opposite), but I must say that much of the outrageous entertainment news this year were about Brit, so why not pay some sort of twisted, crazy tribute to her by starting off the year with an article about her antics.
Is Zac Efron Considering a Sex Change?
Zac Efron really needs to get over himself. I’m not talking about this picture in particular – just some good old fashioned advice. I mean, I know this guy is the world’s greatest teenage heartthrob, and that if I were about 10 years younger I’d probably be drooling all over my keyboard writing over him (sorry for the possibly too graphic image) – but really, since I’m not fourteen, I really have to say that Zac here played the "most popular guy" part one too many times.
Oh, No! Our Porn Queen Is Shrinking Away!
Jenna Jameson should really stop acting and posing like she’s some famously rich actress with five Oscar nominations and a millions of adoring fans all over the world. Um… in fact, if we take out the "Oscar" part, I think that in some twisted way everything else applies – she is famous and has millions of fans – among the male adult population, who used to watch her on-screen porn exploits with wonder and fascination – but in the grand scheme of things, does that really matter? As for the money, if that Club Jenna "porn empire" she set up is still running (and it was, last time I checked… for purely professional reasons, that is) this former porn queen is set for life. OK, back to my original idea: someone should tell Jenna that she may be rich and (still mildly) famous, but she’s still a frightening appearance. That’s more like it!
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